I need to star writing in here, but I'm too tired to start now. Too much has happened since I last wrote and the past two weeks have been the worst. And it's not even because of me. Well in a twisted way, it probably is, but definitely not directly. I don't even know what to say or who to talk to because the whole situation is so messed up. I just wish she would snap out of it. I know she's enjoying the attention way too much, and she's talked herself into a huge problem now because she's convinced herself that she's more special than everyone else. Everyone has periods in their lives when they think everything is pointless and just want to give up, when they don't find fun in anything anymore. But that's exactly it- it's just a phase, a cycle, the enigma that is sanity.

And then there is the way everyone else is acting about it. Where did this come from? For the first time in his life, when posed with a bizarre and negative course of events, instigated by one of his own relatives (one of his kids, no less), my dad shows more patience and 'understanding' (in quotes because I must be the only person who thinks that babying the situation is only going to make it worse) than he has with any person. Ever. What is with this?? And then there's me, who basically just gets in the way. This is probably my last ever 'free' summer, not working and not away at a music festival all summer, and I have to spend it in a shaddow in the midst of this mess. I wish I were someplace else. If we hadnt decided to make what had started out as my excitement for the summer into the Great European Adventure for all three of us girls, I might have been in Europe right now! All water under the bridge I suppose.

And then, they (les parentes) don't want this mentioned except to certain people. That's my biggest problem. Why can't anyone know? If she's so messed up, then how the hell are we supposed to hide this forever in the proverbial closet along with whatever other skeletons we're keeping? So forgive my rambling, but this situation is pissing me off and I'm not bitter or angry, really, just pissed. I know that my way of dealing with my own problems and fears and "phases" (shut them inside and don't ever say anything to anybody)isn't the best way to go either because it just makes it harder to be open with anyone latter on down the road, but I'm convinced there has to be a compromise between my tendency and hers that will allow certain people in this house to sleep and others to carry on life as normal.

Okay, this was longer than I thougt, but it just flowed out. Bed calls as I have to get up in 6ish hours to play the piano for all the music in church tomorrow using only 9 fingers. Left index finger is still out of commission and is giving me very strange sensations when I do touch anything to it, but I'm sure that in time it will get better. Meanwhile, it is quite the challenge to type my usual speed (not to mention play the piano and horn) with a different combination of fingers.

Wish me luck.

ciao