I sincerely doubt that anyone reads this, but I still feel as though it's different than a paper journal because, perhaps, there is the chance that some completely random voyager of the internet could stumble across this blog and be bored enough to read it. Yet when I write in a tangible journal I still approach it from this same angle or viewpoint, always as if it were a conversation or presentation to a willing and interested audience. Even when I hope no one ever reads it. Really, who wants to know the mundane things that can sometimes occupy my thoughts- they aren't exactly New York Times Bestseller List material! Possibly strange, possibly normal, I'll never know.
I wonder sometimes if everyone has the same kinds of patterns of thoughts; do humans (or maybe just all women or all men) share some basic system? My instinct is that no, we do not. Not even all women or all men. Why? Because I think we would all get very very bored. There would be no spice to conversation, no enjoyment or sport. Some people are known as better conversationalists than others, but that also depends on the person with whom they are conversing. If both members of the conversation follow a relatively similar system of thought, neither will be impressed by the other's conversational skill. Half the thrill of getting to know someone of either sex is being surprised at things the things they think to say in response to your comments or being delighted that they have the same connection between two thoughts, objects or places as you do yourself.
I don't think any of the above constitutes as ground-breaking research of any kind, just a summary of something I had mulling around on one channel for the last few minutes. I guess I should explain that by channel I simply mean that it is one of the four or five mostly independent tracks that my mind travels at any given moment. Rarely, do I become so focused that I am only concentrating on one track/path/channel. As I'm writing this I was recalling reading in some article that during orgasm, something in the brain stops, I don't remember the exact phenomenon only that it is roughly equivalent to thinking absolutely nothing or having an empty slate for a very short period of time... Ok so I just did a little research (no, not hands on... I googled it...) and it appears that the parts of the brain that are deactivated (kind of a crazy thing to think about huh?) are the parts that control emotions particularly fear and anxiety and the motor cortex that controls movement. Therefore, the movements made during orgasm are unconscious- they are not under the control of the person in the euphoric state. The scientific tests were performed using brain scanning devices on women while they both faked and experienced true orgasms. While the two looked the same, completely different regions of the brain were activated in the two cases.
Very interesting.
Another nice thing to note is that the brain's response or activity during orgasm is virtually the same as during a heroin high. In effect, it's possible to be addicted to sex or orgasm. Reason #26 why I don't have any interest in trying illegal mind altering substances :-)
So back to my multi-track brain... perhaps one reason I enjoy physical pleasures of sorts is that they are a reprieve from my very busy thoughts. I'll have to wonder about that some more.
On a mostly unrelated subject, I must say how happy I am. I am returning to the cheerful girl I know (read my post titled "I'm lost," if you don't know the reasons why I wasn't) and I think I've gained more confidence in all areas over the past four months than I have in virtually any other similar period of time. I suppose I wasn't hugely lacking to begin with, but I'd describe the change as a great sense of comfort, contentment, and happiness with who I am. I am very comfortable with myself.
- I know what I like, and what I want. Even if I don't get it.
- I have a healthy attitude toward pretty much anything that could be stressing me at the moment, and as a result, I am not stressed! (Sounds too easy to be true, huh? :-))
- I cannot tell the future, (nor do I really want to) but I feel as if I have as much control over it as I can. Granted, that's not much :-) but that also doesn't bother me.
- I've learned that I don't need anyone else. I don't rely on any person or any one thing for happiness.
- The only true need in my life is for God.
- And although I am not completely independent from my parents, I am not completely dependent on them either, nor would I want to be (another healthy balance).
- Judging by my own scale, I am successful but I do not take it for granted. I give thanks for the things that come easy to me and for the talents I've been given but I do not equate my self-worth with the things that do not come so easily or those things I struggle with.
If I were to step outside myself and evaluate the first two decades of this young woman's life, the verdict would be quite positive. I believe I have a happy, successful future ahead of me in all areas of my life, not that it will be without trials but I believe I will come out on top. I believe that I have a realistic view of the world and my place and purpose in it, and I'm unbelievably lucky to have figured that much out. I've never enjoyed being confused or bored and I certainly don't intend to start now.
On that satisfying note, I'm going to bed.
Bons rêves,
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